first month in england is almost over.

it's so weird to think that i have been in england for almost a month.

i can't believe it.

i love it here. 

other than the fact that every store closes super early here.

i feel irresponsible though. by the fact that i have to start my work.

and dry run is coming up pretty soon. 

i just need to focus. write out a plan of attack and stick to it.

i just feel sort of intimidated though.

i really like my flatmates.

and all of the glass and ceramics people are super nice.

i can tell i'm going to be good friends with them.

and that i will miss them when i leave. 

but at least it will give me an excuse to come back to england.

i could see myself living here.

i love it. 

but i find my heart breaking.

for the people here.

for my flatmates.

for myself.

i'm not doing well. 

spiritually. i could be doing so much better.

i'm sorry. You deserve more.

tomorrow is really tomorrow.

six months will be a good way to get away from my stupidity.

well it probably wouldn't have happened if i wasn't

going away. haha. 

well.

tomorrow i am leaving. i am going to be embarking on my journey.

i hope i will stop thinking about minor things over here while i am over there.

that will hopefully be forgotten.

last week i also realized what my greatest fear is...

to be replaced.

life and people will go on. they should.

it would be selfish of me not to let it.

or hope that it wouldn't.

i will keep in touch with those i keep in touch with.

those that really matter. those that see me when i am here.

those that visit me while i am forty five minutes away.

those that i will truly miss. yesterday i said goodbye to

people that i am that close to that i can count on two hands.

today and tomorrow morning i will say goodbye to three.

tonight i hope to have a nice family dinner. 

one where my dad does not nitpick every little thing.

one where i can hold my tongue so that there

is no arguing. 

one where my family really talks.

i hope my dad will be fine without me.

without my mom for about ten days.

i'm so thankful that he is doing better.

thank You for everything.

EVERYTHING.

ten days. roughly.

i still have to pack. pretty much everything. 

i will probably forget things. it is bound to happen.

i always forget.

i hope you don't forget.

one thing i am going to think about is what

would have happened if i would have taken the 

classes i did this semester. with you in a majority of 

them.

but we will see. 

i am so excited about going to england. it is going to

be crazy. and a wonderful experience. 

it is so close! eek.

today i got asked what my criteria for a guy to date was.

the first thing that came up to my was christian.

the rest was hard for me to nail down.

i said well the the most common thing between all the guys i have

been interested in was dark hair.

then creative.

funny.

i think one of the biggest criteria is someone who i don't find annoying.

or someone i don't want to find something to be annoyed by.

i don't know i just find myself looking at the negative aspects of some people.

less than 2 months til i leave for england.

you disgust me.

do you really think i am stupid? or blind for that matter.

you clearly don't think about any one else's feelings. 

so sorry you're lonely.

there are other things that you could do.

fears have become reality.

you sicken me. 

i want to rip my hair out and make a scene.

but that would kill her.

it wouldn't be right for me to do that.

where is this line? 

i will keep trying to deal with this.

this week will be hard.

every time i see you i will think of this.

you know this.

i have told you.

i asked you.

you lied.

how long has it been? 

did you lie then?

all of these questions.

i can't leave thinking about this.

i need to deal with this soon

before i explode or something.

i can't handle this position you have put me in.

oh Lord, help me.

long story short.

so this past friday i got into a car accident.

the guy ran a red light and i hit him.

no one was severely injured.

but i am still sore.

he had no insurance and no drivers license.

today i received a call from a lawyer.

representing that man.

the guy is trying to blame me for it.

you have no driver's license and you are really trying this?

Lord help me to be patient, understanding, and forgiving.