today i got asked what my criteria for a guy to date was.

the first thing that came up to my was christian.

the rest was hard for me to nail down.

i said well the the most common thing between all the guys i have

been interested in was dark hair.

then creative.

funny.

i think one of the biggest criteria is someone who i don't find annoying.

or someone i don't want to find something to be annoyed by.

i don't know i just find myself looking at the negative aspects of some people.

less than 2 months til i leave for england.

you disgust me.

do you really think i am stupid? or blind for that matter.

you clearly don't think about any one else's feelings. 

so sorry you're lonely.

there are other things that you could do.

fears have become reality.

you sicken me. 

i want to rip my hair out and make a scene.

but that would kill her.

it wouldn't be right for me to do that.

where is this line? 

i will keep trying to deal with this.

this week will be hard.

every time i see you i will think of this.

you know this.

i have told you.

i asked you.

you lied.

how long has it been? 

did you lie then?

all of these questions.

i can't leave thinking about this.

i need to deal with this soon

before i explode or something.

i can't handle this position you have put me in.

oh Lord, help me.

long story short.

so this past friday i got into a car accident.

the guy ran a red light and i hit him.

no one was severely injured.

but i am still sore.

he had no insurance and no drivers license.

today i received a call from a lawyer.

representing that man.

the guy is trying to blame me for it.

you have no driver's license and you are really trying this?

Lord help me to be patient, understanding, and forgiving.

gaby.

i got the letter.

and the bracelet.

i love both equally.

thank you so much. i miss you like crazy.

i need to write you back now. ahah.

update.

ok so last weekend.

i went to mexico.

it was an awesome experience i got to build a roof of a house

learn how to make balloon swords and dogs

while being attacked by little children.

i also got to just sit and talk and get to know people.

something i so needed.

i'm glad i have been getting closer to kristen.

so the weekend i just got out of.

i went up to berkley with andrew zane and his sister.

to meet up with gabe and see sigur ros!!!

so good the opening band (parachutes)

was really good.

sigur ros then played.

all was wonderful.

it started to sprinkle occasionally but still was nice.

so they played their "last" song.

and then a confetti cannon happened.

i am convinced everyone should have one. 

every band!

no exceptions!

i love the way it looks when the confetti is in the air.

i wish it could just follow me around and whenever i look up i see confetti

falling down on me.

so then they came on for their encore and i started to rain.

it was perfect.

we came back.

i then dyed my hair.

relaxed in the glorious rain.

saw nick and nora's infinite playlist.

oh michael cera how you make me giggle.

eric davis' show was really good. 

they did so well.

i felt so old when he was with his friends from high school

but good thing kristen was there to make me feel not so old.

dancing was amazing. 

i'm glad i just let go.

thank you for making me let go.

oh,

into the wild.

sooo good.

i really feel like i just need to relax.

shut myself indoors and relax.

maybe this weekend.

and as for school.

i believe this is the first week i will not have anything due!

hooray!!!

but i really need to start going to my art history class.

concerts.

i have realized since i have started college i have been going to a lot of concerts.

i went to a few when i was in high school. more than some but not nearly as many 

as in college. so since i am bored i am going to attempt to list the people i have seen

in high school and in college.

in no particular order except the one that comes to my head first.

some bands were at festivals

and i am actually just listing the bands. no one hardly reads this so

i am not sure why i am explaining but anyway 

here it goes....

showbread (3)

maylene and the sons of disaster 

alexisonfire (2)

p.o.s. 

norma jean

demon hunter (2)

joy electric

emery (2)

chromeo

mew (2)

ben kweller (2)

grand ole party (3 slash 4)

rilo kiley

underoath (2)

isis

blood brothers

yeah yeah yeahs

velvet teen

minus the bear

mgmt

beck

spoon

liars

mewithoutyou

snake the cross the crown

deftones

fall of troy

of montreal (2)

the blow

motion city soundtrack

good charlotte(2)

jimmy fallon 

jack johnson

anberlin

beirut

explosions in the sky (2)

mika 

everytime i die

hellogoodbye (2)

less than jake

matches (2)

the bird and the bee

boris smile

cobra starship

gym class heros

deathcab for cutie

jenny lewis and the watson twins

the format

gnarls barkley

jimmy eat world

taking back sunday

mates of state

the shins

throwdown

ozma 

the 88

rocky votolato

street to no where

and up coming shows

sigur ros

eric davis' band

maylene & showbread

underoath

minus the bear

that is all i can think of at the moment.

it is sort of bothering me that they are not in alphabetical order

but that would just take so much time.

philippians four

four through seven

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

ten through thirteen

i rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. i am not saying this because i am in need, for i have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. i know what it is to be in need, and i know what it is to have plenty, i have learned the secret of being content in any and ever situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. i can do everything through him who gives me strength.

proverbs four twenty three

above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

here we go.

so school is in it's third week and i am stressed.

three studios was an awesome idea.

not.

but i guess it isn't that bad.

i have to finish building my parents

by tomorrow for ceramics.

finish sewing and dyeing my fabric by thursday at nine in the morning.

and do a quick painting by thursday at one.

three forty five on thursday cannot come soon enough.

this weekend i will be enjoying some beck, spoon, and mgmt.

i am also contemplating buying an ipod.

mine is worthless. 

and i will be buying it with my own money.

it is on sale. woo.

dentist appointment on monday. so that means i will be skipping class.

also i have to find something that can be taken apart into five pieces and

be at least a foot in one direction or in some measurement.

praise the Lord i don't have anything that needs to be done for my art history class.

also i need to get going on this continual collage thing.

and i need to figure out how not to be messy and get paint everywhere.

i need just wear the same clothes to paint in so only those ones get messy.

i have paint on my face.

how in the world??

oh i am going to mexico on a missions trip next weekend.

i am nervous and excited! eek!

even though i am stressed and have many things to do. 

it is the little things that get me through all of it.

two days in a row you have called me beautiful... 

why? really? 

i feel like weird.

never beautiful.

whenever larry complimented me it was hot. 

or something not like that.

i can't believe you.

are you.

hello.

so this semester started.

i am fully enjoying all of my classes

and already procrastinating.

what else is new?

i have not heard from you.

i heard you sent a postcard to stephanie.

i'm glad we are friends too.

i feel some what odd.

people have people.

i cannot think like this.

fiber and painting tomorrow. 

i really want to start this collage but i don't feel motivated to spread it out on the floor and work on it.

sometimes i wish i was here alone. 

hmmm. maybe i will stop procrastinating.

and work on it now.

i'm really excited about my ceramics project,

but i feel like i am not going to be able to make it the way i want to.

this is what i feel with all projects i work on.

i miss you as a friend.

and i cannot let the other become

too close.

because it is not healthy.

i am at a cross road.

the way you think about her.

i feel is definitely not the way you think about me.

why would you say these things to me?

you are confusing me. way more than others have in the past.

anyway i give all of this up to You.

the one who truly matters.

i can wait. i promise.

please be here for me when i am in these moments.

i know You will be here.

what am i saying?

i'm giving it.

i am right here

being ridiculous

if only wishing worked

we might be

life is crazy

this is not the right time

to call you mine

so many times

You are teaching me something

like You always are

i just hope that someday will happen

if not for us together

for us with the right people

if my mind could wrap around that

now i am being absolutely ridiculous

and everything i wish i would never be.

something to remember me by.

i made you a mix 

of a majority of my favorite songs.

i'm not sure if i should give it to you.

You are in control.

help me figure out what to do.

i will wait, because it is right.

You know everything.

and what is good for me.

thanks.

if i would have it my way

it would not be as good.

this could not be wrong all together.

just right now it is not the time.

i am going to miss caroline and gaby.

but i will be over there shortly. 

and then i will have more people to miss.

but i cannot wait!

i'm glad i have a passport. 

it makes me feel more free.

i can just get up and leave the country if i want.

of course i won't but it is an exciting thought to 

think. 

i cannot thank You enough.

You are so good to me.

barf.

please stop.
i wish i could tell you how this makes me feel.
but i can't i'm too nice of a person i guess.

i can't compete with that and i shouldn't have to.

i can't stand that you are awkward around me
and the fact that we can't have a real conversation anymore.

my ipod is broken i think.
i hope not because i do not have the money to get another one.

i hate the fact that i only write on here when i am in a bad mood or
something of the sorts.

we will see
what happens.

hehe i'm so flirty blah blah blah.
barf.
once again.

i miss long beach.

it is so much easier to keep in touch being there. 

i miss the weather.

the people.

i feel out of touch.

when i am in one place or another 

i don't hear from people.

there i feel free.

i am able to keep my room, my car,

and everything else in my life 

the way i want it.

i choose my classes and schedule

choose if i want to be messy.

it is wonderful.

according to my father i am always messy.

whether there is one thing on the ground or 

the floor is covered.

i can never please him

maybe he is just complaining to me so he has a 

reason to talk.

anyway.

i got baptized sunday.

last straw.

i have lost another friend.

maybe even two.

the things i heard you say.

i am disgusted. 

please don't talk about me.

bad about me especially to him.

or to her. 

or anyone.

i am not jealous because i liked him.

this disgusts me. 

i cannot believe you treated her like that.

how could you ever?

i can be civil to you.

but never be friends with you again.

i pray for guidance in this situation

and comfort. 

hopefully i will not have to deal with this

stupid stuff even more.

and i won't have to explain the situation again.

so babyhead died on friday.

i felt bad for him. when i discovered him barely 

breathing.

but in other news.

seriously??

wow.

yeah.

awful post.

i am here.

i do not like the fact that it is so hot.

places that i think are too far are not.

i did not mean for that to rhyme. 

Lord, 

help me be content with who i am.

to be secure in the fact that it will eventually happen.

to realize that there will be one who is just right.

help my heart to feel better when thinks don't work 

out the way i want them to.

i want to just search more after You.

my shift key doesn't work the way it is supposed to.

i don't think it will work. i am not sure if i can handle it.

i find myself becoming jealous of how you are friends.

and i miss that.

i don't want to have to pursue and feel like i am doing all the work.

maybe it is for some other reason.

san francisco and northern california was wonderful.

i cannot believe that she lives on the water. it was so beautiful.

i learned that i cannot handle one person for an extended amount of time.

but i am glad that i got to know mariah. 

i wish i had a relationship like that.

i am sad that we couldn't meet up. 

i miss you. it makes me sad to hear that you aren't having a good summer.

in san francisco i saw fixed gear riders.

a group. not just a couple people here and there.

and it made me miss the people in long beach.

not just because they ride bikes. but it reminded me of them.

one of the riders was uber showing off in front of me. 

i thought it was funny. he probably thought i would be all in awe and

want him or something.. man i want you so bad because of all the tricks you can do.

ahaha.

even though my dad and i have been fighting or something.

i think we are finally bridging that gap that was set up 

when i started driving and growing up.

oh by the way. 

i'm fat and need to lose weight.

or "my delicate frame can't hold the extra weight that i have 

right now"

thanks. because i wasn't self conscious about that already.

hopefully i will update this more often.

i kind of tend to forget about it.

over these past years it seems as if people have been weeded out so to speak.

some people leave out of my life and i don't understand it.

and others... people i kind of hope would not want to talk to me anymore

or i don't really want to talk to them keep coming back without any stopping.

every holiday. every one? maybe... well probably it is God showing me that i should talk 

to you some more. or try to see what is truly going on in your life. i know why i don't 

talk to you. i am being selfish. i don't want to see that you haven't changed or possibly

have gotten worse. it frustrates me and i would rather not deal with it. so many things 

were wrong about our relationship, and i'm sure you thought they were all fine.

we are not good for each other, and honestly i'm not sure why i dated you. 

i'm sorry that i am not talking to you. 

it would just feel weird if i did.  that night at ruby's was awkward.

constant staring. i just wanted to get out of there.

why did you still have that picture in your car?

i have let go. please can you?

we were the only things God didn't have his eyes on.

it's beautiful, but scary at the same time.

babyhead is dancing, i think he likes folk music.

i am scared for next semester. it will be a lot of work and yet i am doing this to myself. haha.

looking back at all of those pictures make me remember all the great times we had. when we were friends. when we were going through hard times. i'm glad we have both gotten out of them. 

fun bike this weekend!

pro-crastination.

i hate that i cannot just sit down and write if i have to.

i wish i was good at writing. 

last night i heard beautiful music, and went to a neat coffee shop that i would hope to frequent, but probably won't. i need to learn how to get out and spend more time with You. more time "alone"  

i feel comfortable in long beach, i want to explore more. 

next year will be interesting, will this last?

i want to be self aware, but not self conscious. 

i realized that i want so much.

why do people say be tolerant. but do not tolerate?

i hope your heart become softened.

technically i have two hours.

and "i will just be like well i have this much time"

i hope i can make people think differently.

happy birthday dear friend.

i'm glad that we have gotten to know each other, shared ourselves, and accepted each other for who we are. i really do pray for you, not that you would die.... of course. 

on another note. 

we have grown apart so much. some things happen for a reason. if that would not have happened i don't think i would be with all of the good friends i am now. at times i am still sad that we are no longer friends. i miss you, but i am even more sad to see who you have become. 

please feelings stop.

i feel jealous.

i really want a different bike.

why do fixed gears slash road bikes have to be so much fun?

i also feel like a follower.